P/T interviews tomorrow...

[Rue]

I have a group meeting with my 13-year old son's Grade 8 teachers and the principal tomorrow!

My son has a speech/language pathology - and a slight learning disability connected to that. It's nothing major (in the big picture) and I think that's why I can't seem to get the school to take it more seriously.

What happens is that he can't figure out how do certain tasks (some math is okay, other math problematic. Same with English - his spelling is atrocious, but he has some good ideas). If he can't do it easily - he doesn't want to do it at all (vs. buckling down and figuring out how to do it). Sometimes it's hard to see how bright he is through all the 'dumb' stuff. Because of teacher feedback, he's now labelling himself as 'dumb', something I've worked very hard to avoid. His current POV is: "I'm dumb - so why bother?"

On top of that he's very very social. He's loud. He's noisy. That's the way he is - that can't be changed. I do my best to keep him grounded and away from troublesome classmates, but I can't isolate him from his school cohorts entirely.

I can see that teachers would find him obnoxious.

He's also athletic (which I think is why he's never really been bullied or teased about his speech) and can be very very funny. He lives for laughs. He's basically a nice kid. Not mean.

However, despite my on-going campaign to have his learning disability addressed (since KG), all I'm getting are comments on his distractive behaviour - NEVER a comment on how the learning disability is being dealt with!

On top of that he's now in a group of 3 boys - one of which is being bullied (black eyes, bruises, he's scared to go to school). I have that young man's Mom phoning me! What am I supposed to do? I can't protect her son! And the school - instead of being proactive with the bullies - are picking on the kids being bullied and saying that they're the cause of it.

I'm angry. Any suggestions from teachers out there on how to handle this productively? I don't want to blow up during the meeting - that won't help matters...

[gm72]

I'm not a teacher but I am a Speech-Language Pathologist. Happy to help if you should wish.

[Sharon]

Don't blow up, Rue...That will make the teachers resent the situation and possibly you, as well. You say that you can see why they would find him "difficult"...that's because they are probably overworked with too many children per classroom, if it's similiar to things here. Sometimes, children need more attention than the teacher has time to give...

Is your son spending time in a specialist situation, at the school to give more attention to the disability? Or is he in a regular classroom for the whole day? Is there any specialist attention that you could provide privately, if the school has no such programs?


If I were the teacher, I would like to be approached respectfully, and discuss the issues calmly and productively. Explain your concerns, letting them know that you understand that there's only so much teachers can do...Ask for suggestions as to how you could work with him at home to reinforce the behavior and skills you want.

As his teacher, I'd definitely want to hear that he thinks he's "dumb"....that is a big concern, and should definitely be addressed. Do not infer that you think it's related to teacher feedback...

I don't understand the attitude toward the bullies. Here bullying is taken very seriously...as well it should be. If a child is a subject of bullying, life is miserable. The Mom with the child with bruises should definitely talk to the principal...Why is she calling you??? The principal needs to handle things from that end, but sometimes it backfires, and the bullied get even more tormented. Tricky situation...

I hope this helps.... a cooperative parent who wants help should not be frustrated with a teacher meeting. You should come away feeling that something has been accomplished. You should feel you have some ideas on how to improve things...

Good luck with it...Let us know how it goes..........

[Rue]

Thanks for the advice guys!

He's in a regular classroom. He doesn't need a special class - but I've suggested (repeatedly) that he needs a bit of extra attention to learn learning skills. I've also told them to go ahead and seat him away from his cronies to make him less disruptive when he 'gives up' trying to do classwork that he doesn't know how to do.

We spend a lot of time working with him at home (all of us - depending on the issue). There's not much more I can do. I suppose if we have to get a tutor we can - but I know that there's going to be major resentment if I do.

There are a lot of kids getting extra attention at this school as well - a couple with obvious special needs and others with severe behavioural issues. Somehow they don't think the 'regular' kids with minor issues need any - I can just see him being labelled a 'troublemaker' and me being labelled a difficult mother from here on in. The only thing I have going for me is that I had no issues with my older two kids...so I have a good track record...

I'm not sure what's up with this school. It's a small country school. 17-18 kids per class. TA's to help with kids. In this instance I don't think the teachers are overwhelmed.

The Principal is inefficient. There's a growing group of parents ready to lynch him. I personally haven't had issues with him - but he IS inefficient. Maybe his 'what can we do?' attitude (hand-wringing) is affecting the lot of them.

Ah well - guess I'll write out my main concerns - then try to stick to them and not go on a rant. I'll put on my 'Prof' persona...maybe that will keep me calm.

[Glub]

With the bullying, call the cops, ask for their help. If your kid is involved, talk to him, make sure he understands what he's doing, understands why it's unacceptable, and understands the consequences he may be facing if he continues doing this.

Cops will get involved in disputes between 13 year olds. Kids who bully at that age are much more likely to get involved in other crime later in life and to pick up a criminal record. There's also strong correlation between people who bully others in their highschool years and people who develop personality flaws that prevent them from fulfilling their adult lives.

The cops aren't going to go and scare the hell out of the kids. More likely they'll cooperate with the school to make sure it's being properly dealt with there, and will give the victim advice on how to avoid being bullied. If the school still can't stop it, the cops will speak to the bullies or their parents to explain the reality that what they're doing is illegal, and that these kids are old enough to get in trouble with the police if this persists, and that they're young enough for the parents to be accused of bad parenting. Bullying is often a sign of inadequate parenting or other troubles or stresses at home.

Sometimes bullies can side with or silence enough kids so that whenever the victim complains to a teacher, there's other kids willing to claim witness to some twisted version of reality where the victim initiated the violence. The more the kid gets bullied, the more he goes to tell the teacher, and every time there's a bunch of kids ready to turn the story against the kid complaining until the teacher sees him as a snot nosed trouble maker who's wasting her time just to get revenge on the people he doesn't like but couldn't beat up.

There's no excuse to beat a kid up like that, the only way the teacher could think it was his fault and he deserved it is if something is convincing her that he was trying to attack the accused without being aggravated, which would take a lot more to believe than the bullies' words alone. It wouldn't surprise me if there's kids in the class claiming they witnessed it from a distance and saying he started it or something.

Either way, ask for police cooperation. If the kid's scared to go to school it's already a serious problem that can't be ignored or left for the kids to just 'work out'.

[Rue]

My son isn't the bully. He's the buddy of the kid that was bullied.

He's also not being bullied - except a bit through association.

But yes...I agree with you fully. I think the Mom of the bullied boy should be talking to the police...but she thinks that will make her son even more of a target...

[Glub]

If her son becomes more of a target, press charges.

If the kids are really that persistent, the only way it's going to stop is if their access to her son is cut off. If a lecture from the police isn't enough to stop them, they just aren't going to stop. At that point the police will realize that these teenagers aren't afraid of legal consequences, and are already becoming delinquints they'll soon have to arrest anyways.

Cops will deal with it, and the law does have the power to force an end to it before her kid has to become too much of a target.

[Sharon]

Rue...the principal certainly sounds like he may not be very effective. It happens, and usually contributes to problems for parents, teachers, and children...

Less than 20 kids in a classroom should allow for a little extra help from the classroom teacher. I would certainly consider a tutor, before he falls behind, and it's even harder to keep up. Try to get someone who your son will like to spend time with. When you say major resentment, do you mean your son will resent it? Certainly not the teacher????

BTW, I tend to share your opinion in that often the regular kids who need a little extra, get overlooked because of the more troublesome cases...really screwed up system, there...

If it were me, and I didn't get the necessary help from the school, I'd look elsewhere. It's important that he develop proper learning skills, and even more important that he not give up because he feels "dumb"...That's worrisome!

Good luck!
Boy, am I glad my child has finished her education!!!

[Sharon]

My son isn't the bully. He's the buddy of the kid that was bullied.

He's also not being bullied - except a bit through association.

But yes...I agree with you fully. I think the Mom of the bullied boy should be talking to the police...but she thinks that will make her son even more of a target...

....and she does have a point. However if the situation is serious, she'll have no choice but to take action...
My daughter went through a situation where the principal's son was doing a little bullying at the bus stop. She came home with a bruise one day, and I was extremely upset. She begged us not to go to the principal, as she feared it would be worse. My husband, who was RCMP at the time, drove to the bus stop and parked, just to see what was going on. I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but he didn't touch her after that...

[Pandora]

Good luck with your meeting Rue.
It took me 4 yrs and many, many parent teacher/doctor/speech/hearing appointments to have my son diagnosed with a Central Auditory Processing problem. I knew something was going on, but found it hard to get anyone to really listen. My son thought he was dumb (which is heartbreaking) and hated school. He was always in trouble for not listening properly. Knowing what we are dealing has turned him around, I just wish we had worked it out earlier.
I can't help with the bullying, but I do think the childs mother should stand up for him and take the issue up with the school at the very least. She can't allow him to be in fear of being physically assaulted every day of his school life!!
Again, good luck.