am I wrong?

[annie p]

OK rant. Son (S) is 20 has been moved out 2 years in college. Moved back because he missed GF and is finishing college online. S does not smoke, drink , drugs & has never given me a problem He rolled his eyes at me once when he was 14. Husband (H) S is not his own, thinks the world has ended. Told me S had to move out b/c he left a glass on the counter. H has no relationship with his own, tho not his fault, its all the exes fault he never calls them. H does not even acknowledge S when he talks, tells me S has to do our household chores, get a job while taking OL school. I told him he was being a Dhead, and don't make me choose. I will NOT turn my back on my son. H says I dont care about the way he feels. Am I wrong?

[Jaster]

Being a single dad who dates... if you love me you love my son. We are a package deal. And that is final. I don't care what he's done right wrong or whatever, he is my son and will always be welcome in my home period.
Kids can be slobs (not saying S is just saying in general)... mine leaves crap everywhere... I did the same thing at that age. H can cope and get over it because it's not the end of the world, it's family.
I'm sorry he doesn't have a relationship with his kids but you have one with yours and that should be respected at the very least. and honestly there is nothing wrong with him having a good relationship with S.

You are not wrong at all IMHO. If my g/f or wife ever said choose believe me I would. In my eyes some one that loves you should never put you in that spot.

Best of luck and I hope things smooth out!

[Wild Turkey]

You are not in the wrong, not wrong to feel that way either.

Excuse me if I offend you with my opinion, its just that. But; F that guy. You can do better im sure your son would say the same.

Im not saying leave your husband, I am saying thats about the best reason to leave someone I have ever heard. Maybe you should tell him that?



Personally, I think that most relationships are salvageable, and most end too abruptly for the wrong reasons. Adultery is a big one, boredom another.

I think that leaving someone for some of those types of reasons is a little silly, since youve set the rules in opposition to instinct in a lot of ways, HOWEVER leaving someone because they dont accept your children is a decision that really cannot be argued with. Love and acceptance, you know? You cant fix anything without that imo.

[annie p]

Oh believe me I did tell him.....

[mac]

I don't think you are in the wrong.

IMO family comes first. And if the new guy has come into the family and dose not like the son, then he is not part of the family. I am very much with WT on this. F him, if he dose not like the son.

What I am tying to say is, that if you enter a relation-ship which say has a mother son [or daughter], or a father and a son [or daughter], the new person has to in a way fit in. Learn the family and how it ticks just the same as a couple have to do. Just this time with kids. And if the kids are not liked then it really is time to move on. Because at some point some one will get hurt. Either emotionally or physically.

Speaking from a 18 year old male point of view, I would be hurt a lot by a step father like that. More so when by the sounds of it the son is trying to reach out to the H.

For me if that was the case I would pretty much say get the F out of my families life and don't let me catch you around here again. Or I would leave.
Just depends on the situation and the person.
That is just me.

Really it is a sad state to be in. And I am very sorry for you.:11: :11: :11: :11:

mac

[Mvjnz]

Of course S has to do stuff around the house. Adults manage to keep a household while also working, so there's no reason for him to be slacking around the house while studying. He should also be paying rent.

I don't know why you even let him move back in, at 20 I was studying full time, working part time and living on my own. I didn't feel rejected, I felt good because I was supporting myself and had all the independence I could ever want.

All you're teaching him is to be dependent. You should be teaching him to be independent and a functioning adult in society. It's not about turning your back on him, but about treating him like the adult he is.

If I was in a relationship I wouldn't want my partner's adult kid to live with us either. If he was a kid it would be different, he would have to live with us, but it's completely different having another adult walking around the house. Especially if that adult doesn't lift a finger around the house and doesn't pay rent.

[MCHRKiller]

From a counselors perspective...I question why your husband is over reacting in such a way to your son leaving a glass somewhere, afterall that is a very very minor thing most people wouldnt even think about. Could it be that your husband perhaps feels threatened by your sons return, because of your relationship with your son especially since he has no relationship with his own children?

EDIT: The boy is 20 times are rough especially with the economy right now...I personally see nothing wrong with him living at home. Doing a few chores and getting a part time job for his own expenses...meh I could see that. But then I am knocking on 24 and still live at home while in grad-school :22:

[Rue]

Of course S has to do stuff around the house. Adults manage to keep a household while also working, so there's no reason for him to be slacking around the house while studying. He should also be paying rent.

I don't know why you even let him move back in, at 20 I was studying full time, working part time and living on my own. I didn't feel rejected, I felt good because I was supporting myself and had all the independence I could ever want.

All you're teaching him is to be dependent. You should be teaching him to be independent and a functioning adult in society. It's not about turning your back on him, but about treating him like the adult he is.

If I was in a relationship I wouldn't want my partner's adult kid to live with us either. If he was a kid it would be different, he would have to live with us, but it's completely different having another adult walking around the house. Especially if that adult doesn't lift a finger around the house and doesn't pay rent.

I agree.

My 19 year old is living at home while attending University. But as soon as he's done...he's out...and staying out...baring emergencies (and valid emergencies do crop up...). But he is our son...not just mine...so it's different.

While your underage kids should be the priority in an extended family, I think that once the kids are adults, your spouse needs to be a priority - unless of course...you don't really want them...:14:

[mac]

Mvjnz great point. And something I agree with very much. There is a point in age were a person is suppose to be responsible for them selves.

So once I turn 18 [The legal age to be a adult in NZ] I am going to pay rent, and get my own food an cloths ect ect.

But one thing IMO at least some communication or some form or politeness between H and S. Other wise I do agree.

And MCHRKiller great point. Why the fuss over a cup. It to me is a bit eccentric.

mac

[Wild Turkey]

From a counselors perspective...I question why your husband is over reacting in such a way to your son leaving a glass somewhere, afterall that is a very very minor thing most people wouldnt even think about. Could it be that your husband perhaps feels threatened by your sons return, because of your relationship with your son especially since he has no relationship with his own children?

EDIT: The boy is 20 times are rough especially with the economy right now...I personally see nothing wrong with him living at home. Doing a few chores and getting a part time job for his own expenses...meh I could see that. But then I am knocking on 24 and still live at home while in grad-school :22:

Very agreed. The part I bolded hits the nail right on the head I think

Im all for not making it too easy on kids, however encouragement/support goes a little farther than "refusing to even acknowledge" the boy/man.

[mac]

Im all for not making it too easy on kids, however encouragement/support goes a little farther than "refusing to even acknowledge" the boy/man.

Ditto ditto ditto. Very true. Encouragement is a must. And support in emergency.

mac

[Gayle]

I think there is something up with your hubby. Is there some form of court orders stating he can have no relationship with his own children???? If not then he should fight to have a relationship with them. If he does not WANT a relationship with them then he has some sort of underlying mental issue that you may want to look into. If there is an order then he has done something really messed up. And you should RUN! Does he pay child support??? Or is he just a 100% deadbeat dad??? If he is you really cant expect anything better for yourself and your son.
A bunch of people have a hard time being a step parent. If you two were married after the son left home, it may be even harder for him to bond with your son. But to act the way he is acting now is uncalled for. Your son is a part of you, when you get married your spouse is supposed to love all of you, and respect your choices. If he says to pick one or the other, there must be something he is not telling you. I would try to find out what that is.
As far as the son goes, how does he react to the step dad??
I have not lived with my parents since I was 17 years old. When I was 17 it was only for a few months, I moved out when I was 16. I am 30 now and I have never gone back home. I have been homeless before, and had to live in a shelter. I have a great relationship with my parents, if they would have let me come back home everytime life got hard, or whatever I would not have made it anywhere. I am not saying you are wrong at all, I will let my kiddos come back home if they really need to. I do think your son should work. I am a single mother, and a college student. I worked a fulltime job, with a bunch of overtime, attended college and did a ton of homework and did all of the mom stuff too. I do not work now, but that is only for a few more months until my externship, but I could and I miss working actually. He should also do chores and respect your home, if you do not leave things laying around, why should it be ok for him to?? When he lives on his own he will have to maintain his home, doing chores, cooking etc... Do not baby him too much he is 20. The only thing I mean by any of this is that if you do not push him some, it will be way to hard for him to stand on his own two feet.
Long story short, tell hubby to straighten up or ship out, and tell son to get a job, and help around the house.
Just my opinions. Sorry.

[annie p]

noooooo.. no orders or deadbeats here. his kids are adults. Talked with each one last nite, S has already done a better job of cleaning up after himself, and has gotten a job. H agreed he overeacted and is OK with current situation. Thanks for all the opinions. I put this on another forum also and one thing I noticed was men generally were against having adult children move back in and women were more accepting of it. Guess us Moms are just softies:ssmile:

[mac]

I put this on another forum also and one thing I noticed was men generally were against having adult children move back in and women were more accepting of it. Guess us Moms are just softies:ssmile:

I don't think it is being Soft. I think it more likely that it is a motherly thing.
Looking after something which came out of you, and something you nurtured for how ever many years.

mac